how to...

...convince yourself bugs are much less frightening than they appear.

okay. so you're walking in the garage door...and all of the sudden (!) you see a grasshopper. perched, quite comfortably, atop a bowling ball bag. after jumping a foot in the air and letting loose a squeal you realize you MUST walk past him. and yet, you can't seem to bring yourself to do it.

here is how to conquer you fear:

• give the grasshopper a name.

any name, really. I prefer long, ridiculous names (such as socrates)...but names like bob and joe will work just as well. (I always assume grasshoppers are male...but female names will work too. just whatever you're most comfortable with). this makes the grasshopper much more personal and human-like.

• think up a story for him.

he was disgusted by the insect-like behavior of his fellow grasshoppers. and couldn't understand their enthusiasm of jumping on humans and frightening them out of their wits. so he decided to shut himself up, alone, perched on a bowling ball to contemplate the meaning of life.

• as you pass him...give him a salutation.

no matter how silly it seems...you MUST greet your new friend. truly. "good morning, socrates" "how's the philosophical life going for ya?" etc and so on. soon you'll not only look forward to your meetings with him, every time you enter and leave the garage, but gradually you'll become less and less frightened of your little friend.

• last, close your eyes, hold your breath, and taking a flying leap past.

and that's how it is. not that I speak from experience or anything. but if that ever happened to me...that's probably what I would do.

if and when.

ahem.